3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
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