I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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