If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
