Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
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