That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
The air was thick with penises
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
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