it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
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