i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
it's like iHOP with fire
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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