Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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