Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
