the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Randomize