the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
