It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
