FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
