grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
