pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
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