This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
