The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
He shit in the fireplace
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
