I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize
