I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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