Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
