gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
