Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
they need to just BURY HIM!
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
