he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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