Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
even my farts smell like vagina
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
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