they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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