My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Randomize
