Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
