im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Randomize
