Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Panties = found
Randomize
