Your dad touched me again.
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
