theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
