i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
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Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
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When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
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