She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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