There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
