My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
