If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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