I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
