Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
