I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
