did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
