Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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