U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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