I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Randomize
