John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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