do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Bring me that man meat
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize
