shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
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