she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
