Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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