I heard we made out
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
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The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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