I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
