If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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