bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
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