When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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