i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
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Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
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Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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